skeeter hell

a couple days ago i was washing out a cup and for some reason i dumped the rinsewater into a nearby trashcan instead of the sink i was using. i didn't do anything about it, and just came home to find my kitchen abuzz with about 6.2 billion mosquitoes. my current record for how many i can kill in one clap is 19.

incext

i sent a drunken sext to a girl last night, but accidentally sent it to my sister. she simply replied 'no thanks.'

no hobo

i took a nap in my car yesterday, and forgot to turn it all the way off, and had left my phone plugged into the charger. it died within 15 minutes. this is the fourth time in three days this has happened.

catching up

there hasn't been a post on this blog for 10 months because i have made literally no mistakes in that time. until last night. i fell asleep in a movie theater (my fifth nap of the day), and woke up just in time to stop myself from completely peeing my pants, which i did a little bit. but this is just a prelude to the real mistake:

at 6 in the morning i woke up to go pee, and did not once consider to use the bathroom. i instead left my friend's apartment, walked downstairs, and went outside, where i liberally peed on their trashcans. i then found out i had locked myself out, and somehow broke back in with a metrocard. luckily i had pants on, but i dont think anything else.

not a coffee ground

drank some poorly brewed coffee with some grounds in it and was okay with it until i realized a rather big chunk of grounds in my mouth was in fact a drowning fly.

nut shot

there was a mosquito hovering around me and i decided that i'd smack it against my body before it even landed, and i did so, but i did so right as it neared my crotch, and i literally smacked my left nut as hard i could. the mosquito immediately died, thus suffering far less than me over the next 12 minutes.

power out

the power just went out in our entire house. while trying to find my phone, i spilled a bottle of wine on it.

UPDATE: the power's out on our whole block. i still havent found a flashlight. i'm going to a bar.