not a coffee ground

drank some poorly brewed coffee with some grounds in it and was okay with it until i realized a rather big chunk of grounds in my mouth was in fact a drowning fly.

nut shot

there was a mosquito hovering around me and i decided that i'd smack it against my body before it even landed, and i did so, but i did so right as it neared my crotch, and i literally smacked my left nut as hard i could. the mosquito immediately died, thus suffering far less than me over the next 12 minutes.

power out

the power just went out in our entire house. while trying to find my phone, i spilled a bottle of wine on it.

UPDATE: the power's out on our whole block. i still havent found a flashlight. i'm going to a bar.

externalization

i have a harddrive that is split up internally, where one portion i keep as an exact backup of my computer, and the other is for extra storage. today i wanted to back up my computer, and so erased the old backup data, and then used copy program to move my entire computer over to the drive. There's an option when you copy, which is to delete anything that's on the backup drive if it isn't also on the original drive. If you uncheck it, the program won't delete anything, will just copy stuff over. For some reason I checked it, despite having just erased everything already. Then for some reason I told it copy to the half where I keep the extra storage. I realized this mistake about 1.5 hours into the copy, which was also 10 seconds before a message popped up saying "Copy Successful." I now have a drive that is my exact computer on one half and absolutely nothing on the other.

sharpie

last night i came home late and drunkenly spread the bedspread over my bed, not realizing there was a sharpie there. this morning i woke up to find the sharpie had exploded onto the mattress and the sheets. i'm pretty sure it was my fault, because i also am now sporting a large, africa-shaped stain on my midsection.

bug spray

i sprayed bug spray directly into my eye. i have no idea where i was trying to aim, because it went directly into my eye.

crash

i got in a car crash today. that's not the mistake (lady did not slow for traffic one bit), but in the process i did drop my phone directly in my iced coffee. now a button won't work, and since i have an iphone, that's half of the thing's functionality.

also while i haven't reported them, i have made dozens of mistakes in the past couple months. like two days ago i accidentally dropped my glasses and they got ran over by a 25-foot uhaul (which I had just helped load). the glasses were about two weeks old. ironic bonus: i bought them specifically because they were made of that flexible metal shit. while nasa may have invented it, it doesn't stand up to a couple tons of raw diesel.

oh also awhile back i shattered the glass pane of my oven with a BB. i was aiming for a roll of toilet paper sitting on the floor in the next room.

oh and before that i peed on the cat.

irish whiskey, in two parts

earlier today i was leaving the house and chugged what i thought was the last of my coffee, but was in fact the last of my whiskey from the night before.

just now i was leaving the house and chugged what i thought was the last of my whiskey, but was in fact the last of my coffee from this morning.

i cannot say either was an unpleasant surprise.

irresponsible car owner

a couple nights ago i drove home around 4 am and got in my car the next day to find that the passenger window was completely rolled down; i don't think i even had a passenger.

also it reminded of a mistake i made a couple months ago, which may the crowning mistake of my life. i drove to meet up with a friend at noon, and parked in front of his work which was on a wide, highly-trafficked street that serves as the border between the almost-literal ghetto and the recently-gentrified yuppie part of town. lots of tension and lots of crime. this is the street where i once was punched in the face for no reason.

so i hang out with my friend for a couple hours and come back to my car and can't find my key. i breathe a sigh of a uncomfortable relief when i realize the door is unlocked, and then i breathe something i've never breathed before when i realize the key is still in the ignition, and the car had been running, for two hours, on a very busy street, in a neighborhood that has nightly car thefts.

later my friend informed me that i was still drunk from the night before.

force quit

my firefox froze up so i went to force quit it, but for some reason i accidentally force quit final cut instead, which contained a project i'd been working on for five hours and hadn't saved since i started it.

UPDATE: thank god for autosave! but that doesn't absolve my force quitting mistake. the icons aren't even anywhere near one other on my dock.

container

i had some leftover rice n' beans in a gladware container and turned it upside down to see if it was microwavable, but i did this after taking the lid off, so the entirety of the contents immediately splattered on the ground. the punchline: the product is called Gladware Microwavables, which is boldly stated on the lid.

computer bug

a termite was in my room and landed right at the bottom of my laptop screen, and since my computer is right under a ceiling fan, it was unable to fly away. i watched it for a bit, and thought how it would be funny if it went down into the space between the screen hinge and the computer itself. then it did, and i realized that the vent into the computer was right there. but when i tried to get the bug out of that space by blowing at it, i ended up just pushing it right into the vent.

this may be the last mistake i am able to blog about.

the lists

i have a lot shit to do today, so i was going to actually make a to-do list, but i thought it would take too much time, so i started to do other things instead, and i've done like 4 things from the list without ever having the list, but i still have to make the list so i can cross those things off it, but making the list is pretty low in my list of priorities right now. but still, i might get around to actually making it after i go to the grocery store, which i'm going to do without a list as well.

UPDATE:

list of things i bought at the store that i already have unopened packages of:

• cheese
• bacon
• rice
• whiskey
  
• peanut butter

list of things i didn't buy that i don't have at home:

• butter
• soap
• trash bags
• a trash can
• toilet paper
• utensils (except for a bag of large knives)
  

old food

i don't have gas in my place, and yet i bought groceries a couple weeks ago. now everything has gone past its expiration date, even though i barely opened anything, due to fear of it going bad before i could cook it.

also i neglected to buy anything microwavable (the one amenity my place came with), except for bread, which i thought you could microwave, but you definitely cannot.

lost key

last night at 4 in the morning i realized i had either locked my car key in my car or lost it while scaling the wall i parked next to. i was supposed to work the next day as a delivery driver. also there were two purses left in my car (for safe keeping).

luckily the tow guy i called to unlock my car was far less tipsy than I, and found the key in the grass about 15 feet away.

staple fixer

while fixing a stapler i pushed the staple-bank back into place with my palm against the slot where the staples come out and, of course, i stapled right into my hand.

blurry drive

my eyes went blurry while i was driving last night, and i fixed the problem by rubbing both of them, at the same time, while going about 25 mph.

i was also kind of drunk.

coffee jump

i jumped onto the bed, where my computer sits, with a full mug of coffee in hand

i really have no idea why

now my keyboard smells like colombian roast

mug crash

i tried to kill a spider dangling in the kitchen by smashing it between two coffee mugs, and both mugs shattered. the spider survived.

self-blinding

i poked myself in the eye while taking my glasses off

while driving

bag of knives II

i did it again

bag of knives

i put a bunch of large kitchen knives in a plastic bag and they immediately cut through it and dropped on my foot